Posted by Katrina Kaczmarek on February 14, 2012
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. The day of Love is here. I haven’t been single on Valentine’s Day for 12 years. I am the ultimate hopeful romantic, and yet I am not sad about spending the day alone this year. I have plans to eat chocolate covered caramels, enjoy some flowers, and watch lots of romantic chick flicks. Someone suggested a bubble bath on my facebook wall, and I am thinking, “Fabulous idea!”, because last year at this time I wasn’t able to bathe due to those stinky drains.
I was curious about what I was doing last Valentine’s Day so I went through some old blog posts, and I was writing about checking your breasts for lumps. I was talking about loving yourself enough to take care of yourself on the day of Love. Not a bad topic! Apparently one year ago around this time I was terribly sick from a chemo treatment, about to lose all my hair, and praying for the perfect marriage (at least as perfect as you can get in this fallen world). I was also still wearing those God awful drains! So happy to be rid of those suckers!
Chemo treatments nowadays just make me tired and occasionally sore. My hair is coming back, it is still very short, but I do have a sort of style . My drains are gone, and instead of the perfect marriage I am heading towards a divorce.
I watched the most wonderful interview with Laird Hamilton late last night on OWN. Watching and hearing what Laird had to say stirred my soul. Believe me, I do not believe I will ever be a surfer, but his life lessons apply to everyone and every passion if you can find the connection. Laird said something that I will repeat the rest of my life, because this year has been my lesson in this line and Laird expressed it so beautifully. Laird said, “You don’t kind of let go!” WOW. This is what I have been trying to explain in so many ways to so many people this year. You can’t get anywhere if you can’t let go. My therapy sessions have been digging up things from the past I didn’t even know I needed to let go of, and yet I am letting go. The more I let go the freer I feel.
Don’t get me wrong; I still have dreams and goals and visions for my life. The difference is the complete calm that surrounds these dreams, goals and visions. For example, being the romantic that I am, I understand that divorce doesn’t necessarily mean I will never have a beautiful marriage or relationship, and so somewhere inside there is a hope for that still. However, the difference is the complete lack of desperation for the dream. There is also a deeper knowledge and understanding surrounding the need to let go of my husband and cut our karmic cords before even considering another relationship. How many of you have known people who still can’t get over an ex-spouse years later. I have heard stories of desperately sad situations where this occurs. When I announced my divorce, one of my girlfriends gave me a piece of advice. Her parents had divorced when she was young and her mother never let it go. It ruined her. Her one piece of advice was to let go. I always thought I was good at letting go, but therapy has pinpointed situations in which this was not the case. I am learning so much, and there is a peaceful difference in my romantic fantasies, they no longer consume me or bother me. I have so many other dreams, goals and visions that I am focused on, and they do not consume me either. They give me joy not desperation. Dreams of my past were always surrounded by thoughts like; “WHEN? HOW? HURRY!!! NOW!” These thoughts threw me into impatience, desperation and stole the joy of my nows!
I can tell when people are upset by my new attitude of patience, because they can’t stand it! My patience drives them absolutely crazy. They want me to do something. What they don’t understand is that I am doing something. I am doing what I can do with my current resources, time and blessings.
So tonight I am writing and watching, “The Princess Bride” because I love a good chick flick especially in February. I cooked rigatoni carbonara for the kids and I while my daughter had her Chinese lesson in the kitchen. There is more, but with the commitment I made to stop complaining three years ago I also stopped making lists of things I had completed. It just led to competitive bickering so why compare. Tomorrow I am going to eat some chocolate, and love on my kids who are the best little Valentines in the world. Again I am sure that there is more I will do, but why share a list. They just lead to awful comparisons. Some of you could look at my list and think, “WOW, she is doing so much she is wonder woman, wish I could do all that.” And you would feel bad for no reason. Others may look at the list and think, “WOW, I get so much more done in a day than here, I really am super woman” And you would feel pride, which is a very difficult thing for God to help us clean out so why even give people the chance to put on that cloak.
So in closing on the eve of Valentine’s Day; Stop with the lists and comparing, it gets no one nowhere. It also puts more baggage in the space where you could be growing love in all your relationships. And, Listen to Laird (You don’t kind of Let Go) and Listen to me (Let Go, and Let Love Grow!) And finally girls; love yourself enough to do a breast exam tomorrow on the day of love. I have learned so much from my cancer journey, but I still wouldn’t suggest embarking on one! And if unfortunately you must start down the cancer treatment path, start at the earliest stage possible!
Happy Loving and Sitting!